How to support your partner's diet when it’s different than your own
by Kaighn Morlok
When I first met Kyle, I quickly found out that she was gluten sensitive. No big deal…probably? I didn’t really know. Despite ‘knowing’ what gluten was, I didn’t understand. I never had to worry about what limitations someone would actually have to take. I learned that there were things beside gluten that she had to avoid all together, and other things she had to limit. However, I remained pretty passive in regards to her dietary boundaries. I would make sure she was okay with a restaurant, but would mostly order whatever foods I wanted for myself as long as there was something she was okay with eating. If we were cooking, I would suggest something and let her tell me how to modify it. It was easy enough to avoid certain foods when we were together and then go about my glutenous ways when we were apart.
But, as our relationship became more serious, I had to become more serious! At first, I kept notes in my phone – what were the absolute ‘NO’ foods or ingredients? What brand of crackers and noodles could I buy? What restaurants are not only an option, but good? This helped a lot and made it easier to be prepared for date nights and to be involved in the process. Over time things have gotten much easier; I have become better at knowing what to look for in an ingredients list, where to make reservations, and how to modify a recipe if needed (and to be honest…I still keep lists!).
At this point in our relationship, the dietary restrictions feel somewhat second nature. I don’t pretend to be gluten free, but I’m happy to keep our house mostly gluten free (of course I have a stash or two). Even though we have to be careful, we don’t have any problem getting food that we like or finding a certain food we’re craving. So, even though sometimes we have to take some extra steps, I don’t find myself feeling limited or deprived. We are all making dietary choices every day, but now I am making better choices – and not just for Kyle, but also for me.
When you start to pay attention to what you eat, you start to notice how much your diet affects your whole life. My diet has changed radically since Kyle and I have been together, and ultimately most of that has been my own choices and not because I’m doing it for Kyle. I’ve learned how much better I feel when I am eating healthy ingredients – I have more energy, less stomach problems, and less fatigue after meals. Even if I over eat (because sometimes we make some REALLY good food) it doesn’t cause many real issues other than feeling too full.
I don’t like using the term ‘restrictions.’ We all have foods we don’t like, can’t cook, or can’t seem to find. For us, that list includes foods that are directly harmful for Kyle. But also, Kyle’s diet has done anything but restrict my life or our relationship. Instead, it has opened up a lot for me (and for us).
Because we can’t just go to any restaurant or pick up anything for takeout, we have to prepare most of our food at home. This has meant a lot of quality time, and a lot of communication. Planning the food we are going to eat doesn’t just mean avoiding intolerable foods – it means that we have learned what each other likes and don’t like (and that’s better for me! Goodbye thick slices of mushrooms! Goodbye shrimp!). It also means spending time in the kitchen together - listening to music, watching TV, or just talking. We also have plenty of chances to learn how to work together between planning the menu, making the shopping list, prepping ingredients, cooking everything for a fancy meal or an entire week’s worth of meals!
Prepping Thanksgiving dinner just for us and trying to make gluten free biscuits for the first time! (They were delicious!!)
It's also been fun to learn how to cook and prepare food in different ways. For example, even though we are able to eat rice noodles, one of our favorite dishes, and easiest to cook, is a no-noodle pad thai! I can make soups, bake quick bread, and roast a whole chicken now. Heck, I can make a half dozen different salad dressings from scratch. Now I can usually make whatever food I want without having to order it or go to a restaurant. I save money and I eat healthier!
Of course, from time to time I can get a bit annoyed by some constraint, but it surely can’t be as annoying as actually having a gluten sensitivity. After all, if I accidentally eat some gluten nothing happens. The same can’t be said for Kyle, who would suffer serious health consequences. And even more so, Kyle has to be gluten free ALL THE TIME. Even though I’m good most of the time, I still get to have my fair share of cheat meals (not many places I’m happier than a diner or a bakery). But she is never afforded that opportunity. We live in a city that used to call itself Beer City and she can’t even have one sip!
I am still taken aback when Kyle will tell me how supportive I am. I don’t feel like I’m making any unusual effort! It's clear to me that this isn’t a chosen lifestyle or something to add flair to her personality. It’s a required dietary adaptation to improve her health. If Kyle were allergic to peanuts, I wouldn’t put out peanuts with drinks. You carry an epi-pen if you are allergic to bees, and you avoid gluten if you are sensitive to it!
Ultimately, I can’t tell you exactly how you can make dietary changes work for you (whether it's for you or your partner). But I can tell you that it's possible. When you pause to think about what you can make for dinner, it’s the perfect reminder of the give-and take of your relationship, of how you have to make good choices to get good results, and how you and your partner have to take care of each other. The best I can do is to leave you with this clever alliteration
Communicate – ask when you don’t understand. Tell each other when you are frustrated.
Compromise – maybe you’ll have to modify something, but you can tell your partner what you want or are craving! Both of you will end up benefiting.
Connoisseur – not the strongest c-word…but you can definitely learn to make the foods you want no matter the dietary barriers!
Collaborate – work together!
Cultivate – okay I’m just looking for c-words. But start to build good habits together. Plan healthy meals. Cook together. Have family dinners. Now go out there and Cherish each other!
About Kaighn
Kaighn Morlok is Kyle’s partner. He loves to cook, read and spend time outside. Kaighn runs a hysterical Instagram page chronicling the drool-worthy meals that he and Kyle make at home @kaighnandkylecook.
